And here they are, these days… like this. Moping, anxious, crying like I’ll never stop again, afraid to go anywhere. I was so anxious, in fact, that I was afraid to drive. Normally if this happens, or if I’m feeling too physically ill to drive, the feeling will strike fairly early in the morning, and I can call around and see if I can get a ride. Well, today that feeling struck about 55 minutes before my appointment, which is obviously not very convenient. I was working on filling my pill boxes (yes, depressing in itself), and I just burst into tears. Literally one second filling pill boxes, the next second sobbing uncontrollably. Deciding that it was ridiculous trying to go anywhere in my current state, even if it was to therapy, ironically, I just couldn’t do it.
So I called my therapist and left her a weepy message about how horrible I was feeling, and how sorry I was that I couldn’t make the trip in to see her today. I at least asked her to call me back so maybe I could get a few tips on how to feel better. And then in the meantime, my husband called and gave me the what-for about not going to therapy, especially since I was feeling so bad. “When things get worse, you have to fight harder!” I seriously wanted to punch him through the phone. He was, of course, just trying to encourage me and meant no ill will by his slightly insensitive statement. He talked to me well past the end of his lunch break and made me promise to give him status updates throughout the afternoon. That I can do. Going to the grocery and pharmacy as originally planned? Nope, not doing that. There’s always tomorrow. Except tomorrow’s a holiday, so that’s not very helpful. And fireworks. Oh, my, talk about anxiety-inducing. They’re so pretty, but so, so loud. I don’t like loud.
My therapist called me during the time I was supposed to be at her office meeting with her. So she ended up calling me back rather quickly, because dummy me cancelled at the last minute. Anyway, she was very understanding and a bit surprised that my anxiety was too bad to leave the house. She knows I was once agoraphobic, but I’ve been mostly better for a long time. Now and then it just creeps up on me, and I feel trapped. I remember back in the old days, pre-debilitating illness, when I would just randomly decide to do shopping at nine at night. Yeah, that’s not going to happen now, even if I’m manic. But at any rate, there are days when I have no problem doing anything. It’s not even that I feel motivated, it’s just that I feel “normal.” Maybe not totally like a “normal person,” but just as in I’m not crippled by anxiety or anhedonia or desperately fatigued or hurting all over.
Dr. B. and I talked for about 15 minutes, and it was helpful. I calmed down, took a couple puffs of my medical MJ vape pen and laid down on the couch. My snuggle buddy (aka Sophie the cat) came and took her place next to me. The boys (aka Linus and Ari, the boy cats) are positioned at different places on the couch, and I think all of us are enjoying the cool of the air conditioning. Before I started to write this I was watching a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie called, “The Magic of Ordinary Days,” and I’ll tell you, that’s some good stuff. But then I thought maybe someone else is feeling like I am today, and it might help to know you’re not alone.
Bipolar disorder is a struggle every day. Depression, anxiety, manic feelings and actions, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness… I’m not devoid of hope right now, but I feel a little helpless about things getting better. That is a little ridiculous since I’m the one in charge of my health. I have learned a million coping skills over the years; the hardest thing is putting them into practice. And remembering them. Yeah, my memory isn’t so good, and since my fibromyalgia has gotten so much worse this past year, so has my memory.
I think I’ll end this on an entertaining note. My husband and I are currently looking at cars, as mine has over 200K miles on it. What I want and what we can afford are, of course, two different things, and every time we get close, there ends up being rust in the wheel well. What the heck?! And also, getting a new car is supposed to be exciting, right? Ha! With the way I’m feeling now, I’ll just want to take the first decent thing that comes along and be done with it. After all, I don’t want to go anywhere anyway!